My First Mission

Last night I put my swimming costume on under my clothes, packed a bag that contained my float, a towel, my camera, and a print out of 'my mission', and I met my friend who'd agreed to take a photograph, in accordance with my mission conditions.

'YOUR FIRST MISSION IS TO SWIM IN THE THAMES RIVER ON THE EAST SIDE OF WESTMINSTER BRIDGE AND HAVE SOMEONE TAKE A PHOTO OF THIS WITH THE LONDON EYE IN THE BACKGROUND. EMAIL THE PICTURE TO ME TO PROVE YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED THIS MISSION.'

My helpful friend didn't know anything about IWAA, he just thought I wanted to swim in the Thames. Nor did he ask too many questions, which was good. He probably assumed I knew how to swim, I didn't tell him about failing the 10m Swimming Certificate.

We approached Westminster bridge from the South Bank side, and I was suddenly confused about where the 'East side of Westminster Bridge' was. For some reason I'd imagined my swim would be on the London Eye side, on the side of the bridge furthest away from the South bank. But how could you swim and get a photo of the London eye in the background if this was the case? I'd forgotten to pack a compass, which might have helped me check this out. I don't even own a compass... I know this is bad! Surely every adventurer should have a compass? And probably a rope too. Maybe an A-Z would have helped? I do have one of those, and in hindsight it was obvious that this would always be an important adventuring requirement.

We finally determined where the East side of Westminster bridge was, the most obvious place of course, the opposite river bank from the London Eye.

It had been raining all day and the river looked very full, and fast, and dirty. The sky was cloudy, and it was nearly 8pm, so starting to get dark. I'd hoped there might be one of those little 'beaches' that you sometimes get along the side of the Thames. I'd seen them around the South Bank; but no such luck. On the east side of Westminster Bridge there were just high walls down to the murky Thames. Even if I dared to dive into the river from this great height, getting out again seemed impossible.


It was possible that I could find a place to get out of the water much further down the river, but I really wasn't intending to have a long swim. The water looked extremely choppy and fast flowing, and I should point out that doggy paddle is my preferred swimming stroke; plus I was concerned that I hadn't even tried out my swimming float. I'd only bought it in my lunch hour, the previous day, at John Lewis.

Having realised his important role in the mission my friend was concerned with lining up a nice shot with both the London Eye and a swimming 'me' in the picture. He was worried that in the dark I wouldn't show up. We took a few test shots. But really all this camera distraction was a diversion from our concerns about the scariness of the whole plan.

I suspected my friend quite wanted me to say 'Oh, it's impossible to take a picture in this light, lets go down the pub!'

Instead I was thinking 'It's impossible for me to swim in the Thames without drowning, let's go down the pub.'

When we'd stopped messing about with the camera, and thought about what to do next I realised how much I wanted to do this. I couldn't simply give up and go to the pub! So we started to look more seriously for a way to get in the water.

In front of us was Embankment pier. We'd ignored it before because it was closed and the gate had a clear 'No entry' sign, plus lots of signs about 'No trespassers', and CCTV cameras and such like. But it was just a flimsy little gate, and the pier looked like my best hope of getting in the water. The pier was also too high above the water for any hope of climbing ashore once I was in, but I hoped there might a ladder down to the water.

So we bypassed the flimsy gate and had a look around the pier - no ladder on the London Eye side. Annoyingly there was a ladder at the back of the pier, in the channel between the pier and the riverbank wall. My friend went back to the river side to check if the shot would work from there, but there was no hope of getting a photo of me in the river with the Eye in the background if I was swimming in this channel. I'd have to swim all the way down the channel and then around the pier to get a photo that worked for the mission. In any case the water filtering down the narrow channel was moving very fast, and I suspected that swimming out with my float would be swift, with the river pushing me along, but I was worried about getting back again, swimming against the current to try to reach the safety of the ladder again.




There was a little boat moored at the pier, and our next plan was to look at that. It was a good plan! Climbing onto the boat would clearly get me close enough to get in the Thames. The problem was that this boat was moored right next to Westminster Bridge. I was surprised by how many people there were milling around on the bridge in the evening, lots of people standing on the bridge looking at the river, many tourists taking pictures. I could understand why, Westminster Bridge is right underneath Big Ben. Big Ben, and the river, and the London Eye all looked very pretty lit up in the darkness.

If I swam from the boat I knew I would have quite an audience, but it was my only chance of success. I was just about to climb over the pier walls to jump down onto the boat, when I looked up to see a policeman and woman on Westminster Bridge. They were chatting to some tourists. It was possible the chatty police wouldn't notice me, but someone was bound to see me - and I knew if someone saw me jump into the Thames and there were police officers right there, they'd likely tell them.

So we waited for the police to go, which meant I had chance to get very nervous. I was sure the Thames didn't usually look so deep and dirty, but most worrying was the way it was moving so much. I know river's are never still, but as I watched a little stick float past I realised that for just one second it was right in front of me, but two seconds later it was right down the river and out of sight. I planned to stay very near the boat for my swim, no heading down the river for me. I hoped...

My nervous friend had also noticed the choppy water and brought up the subject of 'fast moving currents', he speculated that the rain had made it worse. Then he started looking at bright orange life rings and said he wanted to have one ready. I told him this was probably worse for him than me, if I died he'd no doubt feel very bad. If I died I wouldn't even care that I looked very stupid doing this, I'd just be dead and stupid and wouldn't care about anything.

The chatting police were taking ages. A police boat went by too, they saw us and must have known that we were trespassers, but didn't prosecute.

I wasn't very worried about the police really. I wasn't doing anything bad, so if they bothered us about it at all I'd likely just get a warning. But the plan was to go to the pub after the swim, not the police station.

The police on Westminster Bridge finally went on their way, and we jumped onto the boat. I didn't want to hang around on the little boat, I didn't need any more getting-nervous time, and it just meant there'd be more chance of someone on the bridge noticing us. So I quickly took my clothes off, grabbed my float, and climbed over the side of the boat and into the water.

I didn't notice the cold, I did notice the current tugging at me, and the sensation of there being nothing at all under my feet. Did I mention that I have a phobia about swimming out of my depth? I was still clinging to the boat with one hand, with the float under my other arm. The float didn't feel good. It didn't seem to be supporting me much at all. I realised I wouldn't trust it to save my life. Interestingly the packaging had suggested that it wasn't to be used for that purpose, I thought that was just packaging talk.

So there I was, hanging on the side of a boat in the Thames, with the lit up London Eye looking pretty behind me. On the bridge I saw a few people pointing at me, but most people didn't seem to have noticed. My friend was taking photos, but it was obvious that he couldn't get the London Eye in the background unless I swam away from the boat. And the mission email had said 'SWIM IN THE THAMES.' But I wasn't swimming - yet.

I hung onto the boat and contemplated what would happen if I let go. I thought it was about a 50/50 shot that I could swim into the river, with my little float, then swim back to the boat and get back safely. The sides of the boat were quite high and I realised I'd need both hands to climb back in, which meant dropping my precious, much-needed, float. But my main worry, as I felt the river flowing around me, was that I'm such a bad swimmer I thought I could end up being buffeted along by the current, then floating down the Thames with my non-life-saving float. And if that happened who knows where I'd end up?

So there I was, in the Thames, suspecting I had a 50/50 chance of completing my mission. And I realised how much I really wanted to complete that mission. I really wanted to complete my mission... But I couldn't do it. If I let go there was too much risk.

I climbed out, got dried, got dressed, got changed, and then we went down the pub.

My friend attempted to reassure me that 'I'd done it', but of course I hadn't! I failed. It might just be a silly email, wanting an adventure might be a ridiculous idea, and swimming in the Thames might be a pointless, comical exercise, but I was so disappointed for it to end like that. As I drowned my sorrows at not being brave enough to risk actual drowning, I contemplated that I felt I'd come close to realising what 'an adventure' was, just for a while there, I thought I understood, and it made sense. But next morning, with a hangover, and work to go to, I realised that I'd just been drunk and stupid.

But even disappointed, stupid, and hungover, I knew I wanted to try again, on a day when it hasn't been raining, and after a bit of swimming practise, and with two floats and maybe some armbands too, and this time I'll bring my compass, and that rope. Actually, that's not a bad idea, I could use the rope to attach myself to something...?

I feel like a fool who ridiculously wants to follow a strangers instructions to get wet and scared, in the name of 'adventure.' 'Adventure' what is that...? And why do I feel that swimming in the Thames on the east side of Westminster bridge with the London Eye in the background will help me find it?