Stickering tomorrow?

First things first, I need more stickering volunteers. As it's convenient for my place of work I have decided that Borders Bookshop on Oxford street will be the designated sticker hiding location tomorrow. I'll let you know which books the stickers are hidden in, when I've found some books to hide them in. All you have to do is locate the stickers and stick them on poster noses. Easy.

Second things second. This is the email I sent to the Tube Poster Advertising people, if the response is positive I hopefully won't need any of you guys stickering for me soon. We'll see.

Dear Sir or Madame,

I'm interested in advertising on the tube network, actually just at one outpost of your mighty network, specifically Tooting Bec tube station on the Northern Line. This is between Balham and Tooting Broadway.

It's my favourite tube station as I think magic things happen there. Like today I saw a man trying to save 4200 wild tigers. He had a poster and a collecting tin, and I put a pound in, I hope that helped. But the story of Tooting Bec tube station magic is long, and I know you have a busy day ahead of you, so I won't waste your time with frivolities.

I like monkeys, do you? They're cheeky and full of fun, and I think both of these are admirable qualities. Qualities sadly lacking in most of our everyday lives. I hope you're full of fun too? Although I hope you're not cheeky, I'd like a courteous reply to this email if possible.

I'm writing regarding tube poster advertising rates. I saw a monkey recently on a tube poster at Tooting Bec. You may know this poster, you may even be the person responsible for taking payment for that specific poster. I would say 'funny old world' if that were true! It was an art poster, for an exhibition, and I stuck a sticker on this monkey's nose, this was a sticker that asked people if they wanted an adventure. I want an adventure! Do you? That's what the sticker said too. You see I'm trying to find an adventure, and to help other people find adventures. Let me know if you want one, I can help.

I realise you may not approve of me stickering up your monkey poster's nose with unpaid for ads, although I'm sure you'll agree it was for a good cause. But the reason I'm writing to you is so that we can come to a business agreement. My monkey poster is no longer at Tooting Bec, and my replacement monkeys are regularly, and quite cruelly, removed by station staff. However I am willing to pay (if the right price can be agreed) to return my monkey poster (with I want an adventure nose) to Tooting Bec tube station.

So I would like a quote, please, for advertising on the tube network. I am considering various advertisorial options, and my needs are as follows. I'll break them into categories for your ease of calculation. I know it's a busy day for you, and don't want to waste your time.

Here are my advertising requirements. (I probably can't afford some of these options, but no harm in asking.)

a) A 10"x8" monkey with 'I want an adventure' nose at Tooting Bec tube station. I should point out that he is happy to share poster space with other advertisers. he's done this before and has already had a happy working relationship with Mama Mia and the League of Gentleman.

b) 'I want an adventure' stickers to be placed on poster noses, 500, various tube lines. (Actually don't bother with the Northern Line I've done much of this myself.)

c) Stickers on all poster noses in the tube network.(Not the DLR, this is not a proper tube, don't try to fob me off.) I realise it may be hard for you to accurately calculate my ad expenditure unless you know how many noses there are on all your posters. I don't know if you keep that sort of data? But from my own extensive research I can advise that 78% of posters have noses of some description. I hope this is of some help to you.

I look forward to receiving your quotes for my advertising needs in due course, and hope to do business with your excellent organisation in the fullness of time.

Yours faithfully and adventurously,

J

PS. I have to be anonymous, and if I accept your quote I will be unable to pay by cheque or card. I trust payment by cash at a secret location will suffice? I'm trusting you here, as you seem like a reputable company.